i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
two words: eviction party
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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