She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
