Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
