So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
All the doctor said was why
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
