dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
