I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
