I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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