Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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