look no pants
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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