I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
