I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
