I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
