you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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