I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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