How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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