Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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