You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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