Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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