There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
