Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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