do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
