You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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