he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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