one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
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