We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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