I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
