Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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