Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
