So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
