I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
