i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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