how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
