I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
