I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
