Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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