Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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