Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
