Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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