ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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