Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
