just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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