If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
