End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
