Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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