He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
We left the knife in your bed.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
