I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
