Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
