i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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