im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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