Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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