he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
