theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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