Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
