Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
