The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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