she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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