I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
