Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
