Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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