I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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