You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
