ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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